Band Gags
Because if you can't laugh about it, you'll cry into your pedalboard.
All submissions are reviewed before going live.
The drummer arrived on time. Nobody recognised him.
A band walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What'll it be?' The singer says, 'I'll have a gin and tonic.' The guitarist says, 'Same.' The bassist says, 'I'll have what they're having.' The drummer says, 'Do you have Redbull?' β Nobody was surprised.
A band is six people arguing about what time soundcheck is.
How do you know when a singer is at your door? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords for three people. A rock guitarist plays three chords for thousands of people.
We don't have a manager. We have a singer who thinks he's a manager.
What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you call a musician without a partner? Touring.
What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? The defendant.
Band practice is just a polite way of saying 'stand in a room and argue about the setlist for two hours.'
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? Twelve β one to do it and eleven to say they could've done it better.
Our singer says he has perfect pitch. He's right β he perfectly pitches every note slightly sharp.
The band broke up over creative differences. Specifically: the drummer was creative, and the singer had differences with everyone.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None β they have a machine that does it now.
I asked our bassist how he got so good. He said, 'Years of practice.' I asked our drummer the same thing. He said, 'What?'
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend? Homeless.
How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.
Why don't bassists ever look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to hold it and four to drink until the room spins.
Why did the guitarist get kicked out of the band? He kept trying to upstage the other guitarist.
Singers are not musicians. They're just musicians who couldn't figure out an instrument.
What did the bassist say to the guitarist? 'Relax, I'll just follow whatever you do.' ... Two hours later, the gig still hadn't started.
How do you get a bassist off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
What do you call a keyboard player with a beeper? An optimist.
We paid the promoter Β£50 to put us on the bill. Sold 60 tickets. He paid us Β£47 after 'production costs.' We didn't ask what the production costs were. We knew we wouldn't like the answer.
Our guitarist owns 11 pedals. Nine of them 'just add a bit of warmth.' The other two he hasn't explained yet but they cost Β£400 each.
The band broke up over creative differences. Specifically: three of us wanted to be in a band, and one of us wanted to be a solo artist who occasionally needed backing musicians. He didn't tell us which one he was until the third year.
How many guitarists does it take to play a gig? One to play and four to stand at the back saying they could've done it better.
Our drummer showed up to load-in on time once. We still talk about it. There's a plaque.
How do you know a drummer is at your door? The knocking speeds up, slows down, then stops completely while he checks his phone.
Our bassist disappeared after the soundcheck. We found him in the car park at 11pm saying he 'just needed some air.' He'd been there for four hours. He seemed fine.
What's the difference between a singer and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
Our singer spent 45 minutes doing vocal warmups before soundcheck, then asked the sound engineer to 'just turn me up a bit.' The engineer has not recovered.
The bassist showed up to the gig in a different outfit to rehearsal. Nobody mentioned it. Nobody mentions anything with the bassist. You just let it happen.